Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Ru Paul's Drag Race - Rupaulywood or Bust

Divas! Season 5 is here! After that lame season of All Stars where they were paired in teams, I'm ready for a real season with some fierce realness! We start with our empty room and we meet our first queen, Detox. She says she's worked with all these celebs. I'm not sure how, but her man face is busted. At least he makes an attractive woman! I would wager a guess that she's had some work done on her face. We meet all the ladies in an assorted order. Detox and Roxxxy have a connection from pageants so they're besties right away.

We meet someone who walks in holding a plastic horse face over hers. It's Alaska, and she's the boy/girlfriend of Sharon Needles, winner from last season. We heard last season that there was some dispute between the two of them because Alaska had auditioned for every season and never made it, and Sharon made it on her first try and won.

We have a token Puerto Rican girl. Her accent isn't as thick as Yara's was, but we'll see how it goes.

ENTER DRAMA! Coco and Alyssa are visibly pissed to see the other. We are going to be subjected to this fight as long as their both on the show. They were both on a pageant together, and she shady shit must've gone down. They haven't spoken in 2 years. Alyssa blames Coco for "backstabbing me, behind my back." Isn't that kind of the point?

She-mail! We get discussion of Beverly Hills and then Ru fakes some orgasm noises and bids farewell. Hello hello hello! Mr. Ru Paul welcomes the ladies and tells them about their prize for the competition. We get a rip off of an America's Next Top Model photo-shoot. Not that it should be a surprise since Mike Ruiz is the photographer, and he's on Top Model all the time. They're in a big tank of water, and are supposed to serve glamor. None of these girls seem to know to hold their breath very well. Does being a drag queen mean you can't swim?

Very attractive.Selena gets some grief for not tucking. I always wondered about that. Do all drag queens tuck all the time? And how long does it take to pee once you're tucked?

Alaska is a big fat whiner. Her massive hair and excessive dress fly up in her face as she goes down and she doesn't know how to stay down, so she just quits. She's not representing that couple very well. I think Sharon would cut the bitch.

"Ok someone forgot to tell them, that black people don't swim!" Oh Coco. Classic.

It's always weird to see them go from queens to boys. Jinx lets it be known that she was napping briefly is that she's narcoleptic. What!? I'm so waiting for this to be funny. And it is. She tries to tell the ladies that it's not like in the movies when they just randomly fall asleep, and then she falls asleep in mid-sentence in her interview. Snore and everything. Oh Jinkxy!

Ru comes in to give the good news to the winner, and that winner is...

Detox! She seems genuinely surprised, but she definitely is one to watch for attitude. She also has gone a bit overboard with tweezing/waxing her eyebrows. They all seem to have either no eye brows or extremely maintained eyebrows, more so than in the previous seasons. It's slightly disturbing.

The girls get on a tour bus and they perform a lip-sync scene to Ru's new song Paulywood! We get snippets with celebrities that will inevitably be judges at some point. They get off the bus and meet Camille Grammer from the Real Housewives. I don't want the show, so she means nothing to me, but the gals are excited. She directs them to the VIP entrance, down the alley. The girls find Ru in this:

He's standing in front of 2 dumpsters, which is their challenge. They have to dumpster dive through assorted fabric/materials and to make a red carpet couture look. "All sales are final." The girls get a minute. Really, like 60 seconds? Cause you better not even try and look, just grab.

I don't know what it is, but every time I see Coco, all I can see is ET. It's a combination of how big and bugey her eyes are, the weird contact colors and the darkness of her skin. That sounds racist...it's not. But for real, it freaks me out. I can't look directly into her eyes.

Pushing, shoving, lids falling on girls heads, the girls are ruthless trying to get their materials. Penny Tration (points for the best name) got voted onto the show by fans online, and so she thinks this will help intimidate the girls because "people actually want me on this show".

Roxxxy gets some laughs for her make up dress.

It's what she wears while both applying and removing her dress. Alaska is strutting around completely nude. Shaking her penis. Coco tells us the reason she walked in wearing a horse face is because she is a horse, pointing towards the crotch region. Are we to believe Alaska is, as they say, hung like a horse? I can't even imagine!

Jade gets some jealous looks because she pulls out this long fabric of red glitzy stuff. Alyssa claims they're now mister-sisters. People are throwing some shade by saying she's doing this just to use Jade's fabric. We get some fighting words between Alyssa and Coco. Everyone is curious, and people ask, but no one says anything.

Everyone around the workroom is saying that Alaska is nothing but a bad version of Sharon Needles. Uh oh. Are we already seeing Alaska at the check in desk at LAX? I'm not sure how she'll do.

Serena tells us she's an artist, that she just graduated from art school. and does performance art. She is certainly taking her time, and when Ru comes in, she has little to nothing to show. Ru warns her about the time limits. Serena has only been doing drag for 3 years and is 21 years old. She's gonna get chewed up and spat back out!

Ru comes to see Coco, and this is her outfit so far:

"I just wanna keep it classy!" Ru just kind of stares at her and says, "...yeah..." yikes.

Roxxxy tells us she's lost 70 pounds and that she now is able to show a little bit more body. She's "thick" and self described as juicy.  Good for her! Keep up the good work, mama!

Ru seems a bit concerned about a lot of these looks. There really isn't anyone that he's confident in. The guest judges will be Mike Ruiz and Camille Grammer. Kind of a yawn in my opinion.

Time for the mirror. It must take these queens a good hour to put their face on. I would LOVE to have one of them drag my face out. Alaska admits that she and Sharon have had some vicious fights about her getting onto the show and Alaska getting constantly rejected. Alyssa is an instigator. And she's ugly as a man. BUSTED face. And her voice bugs me. We've got some serious hostility so far. For some random reason, Serena lets out this long held note. She's from Panama and just insults people. She tries to play it off like she's just reading girls, but she's just being mean. "Cover Girl don't cover boy!" Jade! So sassy and awesome.

Runway! Ru looks pretty tonight! The dress is fun, I enjoy it.

Michelle and Santino are back as regular judges. Yay! Gentlemen, start your engines, and may the best woman win!
I'm sorry about the screen grabs. It's hard since they don't stand still very long. 
Roxxxy Andrews- Love the dress. I like the side cut outs and the ruffle down the side.

Jinkx-Eh. It's safe.

Detox-Sassy, sexy, it's a good dress.

Ivy Winters-It's pretty. She says it's all hand stitched! Impressive skills! Not a fan of the hair.

Honey Mahogany-A big gold blob. Not a fan. Hate the "hat"

Jade Jolie-She went a bit crazy with the embellishments. The fabric spoke for itself. She didn't need all the extra.

Alyssa Edwards-Boring. Not exciting. Safe.

Penny Tration-I liked the concept of this look. Her padding is a bit out of whack though.

Coco-Nope. Just tacky.

Vivienne Pinay- Blah, but on the good side of blah.

Alaska-Not bad actually. It looks pretty with the purple underneath. It could've gone way worse. She could hardly walk in it though.

Lineysha Sparx (PR queen)- It's very structured, it looks well made. A good dress. The shoulder piece is actually made of wallpaper. Crazy!

Monica Beverly Hillz-Not red carpet by any means.

Serena Chacha-I just don't really get it. It's sort of like liederhosen.

Girls are that are the S word (safe) are Jinx, Detox, Honey, Monica BH, Vivienne, Alyssa, and Coco. Ru tells them this not acceptable and they need to step it up. This is the only show where I've ever really heard a judge tell people that being safe isn't a compliment.

First critique is for Roxxxy Andrews. Everyone loves the peeks of skin. And the otherall look.

Ivy gets props for the quality of dress. Santino gives her crap saying it looks not enough like it came out of the trash. Santino is one that's never pleased, at least not consistantly.

They get to Jade and the judges all comment how sweet and soft her voice is. She does have the most feminine of the voices. Santino thinks she has too many details, and Jade says it's her very much her style.

Penny gets some shade for the shading on her face. See what I did there? They also don't like her shape in her dress.

Alaska gives her annoying hi. The judges love the look. Michelle thinks she should've had big sparkly earings, because come on! These are are drag queens we're talking about!

Lineysha (I never can remember her name) get love from the judges for the structure and shape of her dress. She says that she made the collar so that if she has to lip sync for her life she can hide her mouth behind it if she doesn't know the words.

Serena gets destroyed for her piece. They think that her body looks like a boys body, there's nothing feminine about it. She's all smiles and takes the critiques well.

Camille really was useless as a judge. She added almost nothing. Then again, neither did Mike. It's all Michelle and Santino, not that I'm complaining, but come on! Camille wasn't even an interesting or funny personality.

Ivy and Alaska are named as safe. Condragulations to Roxxxy! She's gracious in her victory and has immunity for next week. Lineysha is very obviously pissed she's taking second. Serena is up for elimination! She will be joined by Penny Tration, and Jade is saved because of her personality that shone through. Before she trots back with the rest of the girls, Ru offers her one word of advice, "edit". Amen!

Song of the week: Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus. I don't know why, but it bugs me that they picked a brat's song. But that's my own issue. Ooo Penny is sucking big time; she doesn't know the words. She keeps turning her head away from the stage so the judges don't see. As much as I'd like to see Penny stay, I don't think she's gonna. Not knowing the words is a fast ticket home. And I'm right. Serena shante she stays.

It's time for Penny Tration to sashay away. No tears, she keeps head held high. She's not upset, she has no regrets. I appreciate a classy queen.

This is where we get to see what goes on backstage while the top and bottom are being critiqued as well as when the judges are deliberating. So we see Honey, Alyssa, Coco, Monica, Jinkx, and Detox. They speculate who will be LSFYL. They have a session of Serena bashing. Coco and Alyssa don't seem to be able to sit in the same room and not throw daggers.

Apparently Serena is cruising all the queens flirting and seeing who she can make headway with. The other girls don't appreciate it. Alyssa tells us that in Texas, this type of person, the gay men that chase after the barbie doll drag queens, is called a Clown Fucker. They talk about how Serena is sniffin panties, and Coco doesn't seem to understand that they mean figuratively.

They all agree that Roxxxy is gonna be the winner. Monica shares with the girls that she was ready to go home, but Roxxxy convinced her to stay and gave her the confidence to go on. That Roxxxy is a class act.

Peek-a-Ru! The girls move onto the Gold Bar and they get to see everyone's pictures from the tank shoot. I just realized now that Vivienne is also there. She's got zero personality so far. She's not living up to her Asian foresisters of JuJuBee and Manilla. They had personalities for days. She's boring.

The best and worst group enter the Interior Illusions lounge and they discuss what the judges had to say. Serena doesn't agree with the harsh things that they had to say to her. Jade thinks her excuse that there wasn't enough time and tells Serena so. "Don't be a bitch" is what Serena tells us in her interview. Take your own advice, hunty. Jade sort of keeps poking the bear by saying that at least her look is true to who she is, and she can't figure out what Serena's look is. It's very clear no one likes her. Jade says she could eat Serena alive on the runway with Party in the USA. It's all awkward.

In the Gold Bar the girls are saying that Alaska's entrance outfit with the horse face was trash and she would never get a job wearing that table cloth dress.

Detox does not agree. She may be a bit bitchy, but she's honest and upfront. Is she my Raven for season 5?? I can only hope.

Back with our top and bottom gals, they then go into say that Alyssa stole all her ideas for her dress from everyone else. They show clips of this. There are 4 instances where she copies their concept. Roxxxy says she knows Alyssa can't sew, and Alaska says that since she can't come up with her own ideas she takes bits and pieces from everyone else. Penny says she would rather be in the bottom than be safe and "mediocre". At this point the other girls burst in saying, "who're you calling mediocre?" They just sort of stare at each other. Then Raven...I mean Detox says, "So I'm mediocre?" directly to Penny.

Detox isn't having any of it. Very dramatic music. No one says anything. I sense an editing trick. They accuse Alyssa of stealing ideas. This is her face and it's awesome. She just says, "read" in a low voice. I giggled out loud.

Alyssa disagrees. This is clearly where Coco feels the need to jump in. So Alyssa tells her that her looks is just garbage. Everyone else is already tired of the fight.

And that's what we have! What a premier folks! SO much drama already in the first episode! These bitches are out for blood! I am so excited so far! Who's your favorite/most hated? We got a sneak peek of someone being Edith Beale for the Snatch Game and it looked amazing. I can't wait!

As Ru says, if you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else? Amen!

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