Thursday, April 4, 2013

Hell's Kitchen - Episode 5

Welcome, Addicts, to the continuation of Hell's Kitchen. Last week we saw Gordon try and give the men an advantage by picking Mary to run in the 3K despite her not actually volunteering to run. It didn't matter, because the women still managed to win the challenge, making it 3 in a row that the men had last. Dan and Michael had spent the whole night pissing on each other. Dinner service came and for some reason the men won. I'm of the impression that Chef did this on purpose to keep the numbers from becoming too lopsided. The women sent up Danielle and Jessica as sacrifices to the God of HK. He however did not accept Jessica as an offering and called up Jacqueline. It was all for naught since Danielle was the one that got sent home anyways.

The chefs are sent back to the dorm and Jessica lets the girls know that she thinks it was total bullshit that she got sent up. She's set to be on the paranoia train. Amanda suggests that it was stupid that they put her up there, and Mary apologizes for it. Well hopefully they won't make such stupid choices again. The men celebrate with some champagne.

The chefs arrive the next morning with just about every protein imaginable. The challenge is to taste a dish and correctly identify the protein. Since this is Hell's Kitchen, instead of just saying what they are, they then have to go to the table to find it and bring it back. This shouldn't be so difficult, but I'm pretty sure all the extra random items will throw them off and they'll over think it. The teams will go up in pairs and ID the 5 dishes. Fastest time is the one that wins. Since the men won the dinner service, they're going first.

For the men the first team is Michael and Jon. They eat some turkey meatballs. Their first attempt from the 50 types to pick from is lamb. Then venison. They try just about everything. They're going for even ridiculous things like buffalo and kangaroo. For real? It's a meatball. They took 4:37 to get turkey.

Wyclef and Dan get chicken tacos and get it on the first try. Jeremy and Barett eat some duck enchiladas. Jeremy tries to think logically what is in an enchilada typically. They also try for buffalo. Dudes. Come on. The buffalo has suffered enough throughout history.  Ray is in the background yelling that he can see from where he's standing that it's duck. They listen and are right. Ray and Anthony get veal chops and Ray has no doubt and picks the right dish first. Jon and Michael are back up with swordfish and chips. They try a few wrong things once again, before finally getting it right.

10:33 is how long it took them to get 5 dishes correct. Chef is pretty disappointed. The men know they're in trouble. The girls jog in and seem pretty confident that they can win. Janel and Jacqueline are up first. Janel looks at it and notices that it's a white meat, so it's not beef. They grab turkey on the first try. This is gonna be brutal. Cyndi and Susan are up next and identify the tacos as a poultry. They guess chicken on the first shot. Nedra and Jessica get the duck enchiladas and they go for venison. I'll sort of let this one slide, both are fairly gamey. Then it's the women's turn to shame the buffalo. They guess 8 wrong proteins (including the kangaroo) before they finally land on duck. They're down to 5:19 with 2 dishes left. Butcher Mary and Amanda are up next with the veal chop. This no challenge for Butcher Mary and she immediately knows it's veal. Janel and Jacqueline are up for the swordfish. They at least have the sense to go for white fishes. They land on swordfish with  3:56 left meaning the women did it in about half the time the men did. 4 wins in a row. The men are pretty down. Their prize is to go spend a day on the beach in Malibu. They'll be hanging out in a 15 million dollar mansion where some guests will be arriving. The men's day is going to suck. They have to make bread, from scratch, by hand. This means that they have to pound/mill the wheat flour so it's the powder that they need. They start out with mortars and pestals.

Nedra wants to ride with the "skinny bitches" and holy shit, woman has some boobs. She has enough boobs for everyone on her team to be at least a B cup. And how exactly is she "supporting" them? It looks so confusing and jumbled. As a girl with large boobs myself, I'm shocked. You could at least straighten some of those layers out. Either way, the house is beautiful, the pool and beach are spectacular. I wanna be there so bad.

The men are in hell. Clearly the rocks weren't working fast enough for them to be able to actually make the bread for tomorrow, so they're given sort of a meat grinder that will speed the process along. They're all pouring sweat like they're saving spots all day at Summerfest. (HA! Local jokes are funny for locals)

The women get to surf and play volleyball with their guests, Laird Hamilton and Gabrielle Reece who are champions, respectively. Some of the girls just about lose their bottoms when Laird takes his shirt off. Eh, not for me. The girls pretty much can't do it and they all fall off. Cyndi can't even get on the board after she falls off the first time. We get one shot of them playing volleyball.

Back in hell, Jeremy is grinding away and he falls over. He asks for the medic, quickly. When the medic arrives he tells him that he's a stroke survivor. What!? He's 22! And he's had a stroke! Dude, get yourself to a doctor and nutritionist, STAT! Jon feels bad because he had Jeremy take over for him. Jeremy is afraid he might be headed toward another stroke.

The women come back and are trying to rub in their win some more. Jeremy arrives back in the kitchen many hours later, and says he's ready to come back and help. The reason he passed out? "I just wasn't eating." For real. No joke. "The doctor said I wasn't eating enough and suggested I eat more." I'm trying so hard to keep a straight face, but I can't. The men tell him to not worry about helping, that he should go rest. As soon as he's out of earshot the men start making jokes about what a crock of shit that was. The women are concerned when Jeremy tells them he just got back from the hospital. When he tells them the bit about not eating, they are all stunned silent. He says he's been trying to eat mainly super-foods (kale, beats, lentils, etc.).  When he opens the fridge he is excited because there are ingredients to make fried chicken. This guy can't be for real.

After the men worked hard til about midnight to make the bread, they are up again at 4 to finish baking the bread. This punishment sucks. They're all yawning like crazy. They burn a few pieces. That would be super annoying. They go back to sleep for a few more minutes and then chef calls them and requests them all to be in the kitchen.

Chef tells them about how as chefs they have to work long hours, but they aren't the only ones. They will be making conducting a breakfast service for ER doctors, EMT's and nurses. That's respectable. But maybe they don't want breakfast. Maybe they want steak. This is being treated as the dinner service. Someone will be going home. I feel a little lied to. They lead us to believe that someone was getting sent home during a challenge. This isn't a challenge. This is dinner service, just earlier in the day. Had someone gotten sent home during the protein challenge, THAT would have counted.

They're told to memorize the sample plates. I warn you not to look at these plates if you're hungry. They won't help.

Cyndi and Ray both struggle in the beginning to cook their eggs in the pans. Jeremy is not paying attention at all. He's dead weight. Cannon fodder! Fire the damned cannon already! Jeremy does is a total deer in the headlights, literally holding his completed dishes and standing still in the middle of the kitchen. When he finally brings the plates up to the pass, Chef is NOT happy. Jeremy brought up the sample plates of the scrambled eggs and salmon. He says the eggs were cooked an hour ago. "You'll kill someone with that!" Chef saying that eating hour old eggs will kill you? How would any resort/buffet ever function? That seems like an awfully big stretch.

Oh sir, you are a thing of beauty.

 Jeremy is so far away he's not even in California anymore. The chefs actually send him out to grab something deep in the pantry to keep him away from the food for long enough to get food out.

Nedra seems to also be incredibly asleep. She can't keep anything straight.

She can't even come up with EMT, she calls them ERs. She gets in trouble for trying to prepare an eggs Benedict with soggy, untoasted English muffins. Amanda ends up having to assemble everything for her. Nedra is pretty much just standing there watching Amanda take over her station.

The next station to take a big shit is the women's pancakes. Jacqueline can't make them without burning them. Nedra tries to step in and help with the pancakes, but she proves to be incapable of flipping the pancakes with the rubber spatula that every other chef is using.

It's down the men having 3 tickets and the women have 2. The pancakes are proving to be the thing that will separate the chefs from the cooks. The men pull it even with 1 ticket each. Nedra and Jacqueline seem to be out to serve all burnt pancakes. The men send out their final ticket, making it their second win in a row. I'll be annoyed if Chef counts this as a challenge win. It's not a challenge, it's a dinner service.

We also see how the editors tricked us. Chef goes over and pulls out all the burnt pancakes from the garbage. This is how we were lead to believe that someone pulled a pancake from the garbage and tried to serve it. Not cool, editors. So not cool.

The ladies are the losers. Amanda says the obvious choices are Jackie for the pancakes and Nedra for the Benedict. They women come to their senses and realize that if they put up undeserving names, Chef will be mad. Jackie accepts her nomination. Nedra does not. She freaks out and calls Mary out as being weak. Mary responds with, "Thank you..." poor Butcher Mary. Amanda isn't accepting Mary as a name. Nedra goes off the rails. She's a ticking time bomb. Mary wants to know if they're basing their choice on who is the weakest link or who did the worst in service.

Time to approach the alter. Jackie is the first offering, for her burnt pancakes and pink chicken from the previous dinner service. Chef gives them a raised eyebrow in confusion about bringing up the pink chicken. Uh, dude, you always evaluate over the course of dinner services, so why shouldn't they? The second offering to the kitchen God, is...

Just kidding. But she has been streaming tears since they got up there.  It's Mary.

Kitchen God doesn't understand. The women say that they think Mary is the weakest. Amanda says she doesn't agree and thinks it should've been Nedra. Janel disagrees with Amanda and says she would look to Nedra for help before she would Mary.

Chef accepts their offerings. Mary calls herself a fighter and that she's got endurance and tenacity. Jacqueline keeps her monotone speaking and says that she only burnt 2 pancakes and was handed the other burnt pancakes by Nedra. Chef calls Nedra out for her bullshit excuse of blaming the spatula for her inability to flip a pancake.

Chef has made his decision. He tells BOTH Mary and Jacqueline to get back in line. He says, "There is one of you that is in way over their head. The person leaving Hell's Kitchen tonight is..."

BOO! I think we all know it's going to be Jeremy. Right? We all know it's Jeremy.

We have a potential first in Hell's Kitchen next week when Mary discovers she may be pregnant! Will she name the baby Gordon, even if it's a girl? Apparently Mary turns into a bitch when she's pregnant. There's also clips of Ray calling Amanda a bitch several times. Come on, Grandpa. Don't be that way.

Til next week!

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