Wednesday, April 3, 2013

RuPaul's Drag Race - Drama Queens

Hello, hello, hello! Have you missed the queens as much as I have? There was no new episode last week, so I’ve been stumbling along all week, missing that extra little spark that only men who dress up as beautiful women can give me. I warn you now, it's a long recap! So get a comfy seat! 2 weeks ago, we saw the queens make their own perfumes and ads. Coco showed that she really is a true bitch and will cut down anyone she thinks is in her way. Poor Jinkxy was berated, yet again, for being a funny comedy queen by Coco and Roxxy. Boxxy Roxxy Andrews. Ugh. Alaska finally got her win. Alyssa Edwards and Ivy Winters lip synced for their lives and Ivy sashayed away.

We start up right as the queens come in after Ivy was eliminated. “I love you girls so much! You always have a friend in me! Xoxo Ivy” Such a classy lady. She’s so genuinely nice! And nice doesn’t work so well for reality TV. It’s a shame she had to go, when bitches like Coco get to stick around and stink up the joint. Jinkx is pretty upset, since Ivy was her bestie and crush.

Alyssa says that if she sucks at every challenge, she will just lip sync for her life all the way to the crown. She knows she’s not a good actress, but can kill it on the stage since she’s a performer. Once again, she and Coco are going at it. Jinkx also brings up the shade that got thrown her way for being a comedy queen vs a pageant queen. Alaska is in the same position. I’d personally rather pay to see someone who is funny and beautiful than someone who is sickening and has nothing else to add. Alaska puts it best. “Of course the pageant girls are going to discount the comedy freaks. The best revenge is to just do better.” Werk, gurrr. Amen. I hope every queen in the top 3 is a comedy queen, and not a pageant queen.

The next day Coco tells us how much she hopes they get to do an individual challenge, and not be in a group. You just did an individual challenge. Not too bright, are you Coco. She mail time! “Like sands through the hour glass…escandalo!” Ru talks about bringing drama and throws in some Spanish.

Ru comes in and tells the girls they’re going to be playing the crying game. The queens are going to have to cry on cue. Scary. I never understood how people can do that. The queens throw on some mascara and come sit in the sharing circle. Alaska tells a story about her husband, Coco talks about doing her last dance recital, Roxxy says she always wanted to become a woman, Jinkx say something about being beautiful, Alyssa is an Orange County housewife with a sex addicted husband. Alaska, Roxxy, and Jinkx have the best moments. “There is nothing sadder, than the tears of a drag queen.” Oh Ru. You speak truth. The background music, I’m pretty sure is from one of my favorite Poirot episodes. When it’s Detox’s turn, she can’t participate because she’s having a really hard time. 2 years ago she found her boyfriend on the floor, dead. The atmosphere is getting to her. She’s not used to being vulnerable and she says she’s very uncomfortable. I’d give her a hug if I could. I’m glad she spoke up so candidly. Ru thanks her for sharing her story.

The winners are Detox and Alyssa. Que? Alright, Alyssa did alright, but I thought she wasn’t as funny. Then again, maybe Ru wasn’t looking for comedy this time. Their challenge this week is that they will compete in 2 teams (HA, all over Coco) in acting out soap operas, telenovela style!

Jinkx, your face is perfection. Alyssa is not happy to be acting again. Detox picks Roxxy on her team first. Alyssa then take Jinkx. Detox then says she has to reform the dreaded group Rolaskatox. GAG me. Alaksa admits that she doesn’t want to be a part of the group anymore. She heard Michelle when she warned her against being in a cliché. Good for you, Alaska. I’m glad she’s trying to stand out on her own and not blend into the crowd. When the season first started, I was really worried she would lean hard on the Sharon Needles crutch, but I’ve come to love her in her own right. She’s hilarious and her own personality. This leaves Coco on team Alyssa. So now the 3 queens that were bitching at each other the day before have to work together to win.

Alaska isn’t enjoying how much Roxxy and Detox are laughing and joking about rehearsing. She understands when it’s appropriate to make jokes and have a good time and when it’s time to take it seriously. Now is the time to be serious. Save all that ham for the camera, later.

Detox wants to use this mask in her performance. I think even for drag queen, that’s a bit over the top. Roxxy loves it. Alaska cracks me up.

Alyssa is making all these crazy facial expressions with breathy lines of dialogue, that no one can really hear. I give her credit for trying, but she’s trying the wrong way. I can completely understand being nervous and uncomfortable practicing in front of everyone else and looking a fool, but you’re a drag queen. Get over it. Oh, I’m sorry, you’re a pageant queen, all you know how to do is smile and look pretty. BORING.

Hola, hola, hola! Ru comes in for his visit and checks in with team Alyssa first. I love when he gives them a dead pan “yeah” instead of an over the top response that they like from him. Ru decides to poke the bear and asks if Alyssa and Coco have settled their differences. “No.” Coco answers very matter-of-factly.

Alyssa, your face cracks me up. That’s the perfect stink face. Ru asked how close she and Coco were and when Coco acknowledges that yes they were fairly close, that’s her response. Love it. The fight may be tired and long overdue to be finished, but gurr those faces are fantastic. How can she think she’s not a comedy queen? Jinkx gives a little bit of dialogue for Jinkx and it’s awesome. Ru says that it’s coming off a little Italian. Jinkx laughs and is surprised. “Have I been coming off Italian this whole time?” she asks her group. She’s the best. Love you, Jinkxy Cat.

Team Detox gets talked to next. Ru asks if reforming their group is a good idea. Just because it’s fun doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be taken seriously. Detox gets graded as B+ on the runway and the judges want her at A+ and Ru isn’t sure wearing a big mask like that will help her. Alaska even says that she’s been read too many times for wearing a mask, so she might want to ditch it.
Alyssa is going through Jinkx wardrobe trying to find something for the challenge. Coco even says that for a pageant girl, Alyssa hardly brought enough clothes. Jinkx tries to squeeze Alyssa’s body into one of her dresses and Alyssa gets a little sensitive about not fitting into the dress. You’re two totally different shapes, what did you think was gonna happen, Alyssa? Your chest is way thicker than Jinkx’s.

Team Detox is up first. Maria Conchita Alonso is the guest judge. She’s done a variety of both Hispanic and American TV. Her longest running gig was on Saints & Sinners. The girls obviously have no clue who she is, but accept that she’s Latino, and can at least appreciate the style of the show. My boyfriend’s Mom grew up in Argentina and every once in a while when I come into the kitchen she’ll be watching a show on her computer that’s all in Spanish. I ask her if she’s watching her telenovelas and she gets mad. But it’s always fun. They will also be working with a leading man.

What has THAT guy been doing lately? He will always and forever be Fez from That 70’s Show. Always. Funnily enough he’s the voice actor for a kids show, Handy Manny. Funny. The girls glee over seeing someone they recognize. The 3 ladies start their scene, and honestly, they all do an admirable job. Alaska was the best. Roxxy does do comedy very well though. She sells herself short as a pageant girl. There are a few critiques from the directors, but the girls quickly bounce back and fix it.

Team Alyssa is up next. In her scene Coco’s character puts a curse on the other two that if they hear the names of “foo” as Alyssa says (she means food), they will orgasm so violent they’ll die. Oh my! Coco shouts out “chimichangas!” and Jinkx goes into hardcore orgasm-mode. Alyssa just sort of moans and clutches her chest. Ru stops them and advices that Alyssa at least match what Jinkx is doing. Alyssa says she was trying to do her version of a 48-year-old’s orgasm. Hmm…what exactly is the difference? Do I really want to know?

I have to give it to Coco, when she takes those God forsaken colored contacts out of her eyes, she does look beautiful. She looks great right here, not very telenovela, but fishy none the less.

Jinkx on the other hand, just KILLED the look. When Wilmer comes in to play his part, Coco completely loses her cool. She doesn’t seem to be able to look at him and keep her lines in her head. I can’t totally blame her. Wilmer is totally phoning this in. He’s not even really acting. He just stands there and talks. I don’t think he wanted to be there.

Back in the workshop the girls are getting ready in their Latina Eleganza best for the judges. Roxxy tells Alyssa she better not wear another wig with all the hair pulled to one side. She does do that a lot. Alyssa answers back that Roxxy better not wear another body suit. Touché. Alyssa says she better double check to make sure she has enough to wear at all. Jinkx legitimately asks her if she brought enough dresses to last through the end of the competition. “Girl, yes ma’am! And I could sew one if I had to!” Coco tells her she won’t have to sew one because she’ll just go steal a dress from someone else. Alyssa isn’t overly mad but she’s not happy.

Jinkx says that she’s going to go with a Dias de los Muertos skeletal look. I think it’s smart and fun. “Jinkx Monsoon, the buffoon” is what Roxxy says. Bitch, shut up! You’re the buffoon! At least she tries to do something original and interesting instead of the same old body suit showing off your ass or back every week! LEAVE HER ALONE! I’m over the Jinkx bullying! Alyssa and Roxxy tell her it’s a risk, and she probably shouldn’t take it. Ugh. What is the fun of being a drag queen if you’re not going to take some risks.

Detox opens up about her ex that died. She said that when she tried to break up with him he became obsessed and stalker-ish. 2 weeks later she found him dead on the floor.  That would be hard. Roxxy offers her love and support. Detox says she’s never seen a therapist or really talked to anyone about it. Another queen that doesn’t want to confess true feelings.

Ru comes out in a turquoise blue of the Caribbean. I want Ru to dress me, or at least have his stylists dress me. And maybe have him train me so my arms will look like his. Maria is here to judge as well, along with Jamie-Lynn Sigler. She seems rather flat and not interested.

Detox walks the runway first.

I wouldn’t have worn the sombrero. The look would’ve been better without it, then again, maybe it wouldn’t have read enough Latino without it.


It’s pretty. I’m over her with the breast plate though. You don’t always need huge tits.


She pulled out maracas from her tatas and hammed it up on the runway. It’s a safe look.


It doesn’t read Latino at all. It’s boring. At least her hair isn’t all to one side.


It’s a beautiful color. I won’t knock her too hard. I will knock her face though. It looks like she used the same color from her outfit on her face. Mama, no.


The dress is kind of safe, but the face is really what kicks you in the face about the look. I love it. The judges are shocked. Hopefully it’s in a good way.

The judges play the clips and they’re both pretty good. Detox was a little lame, but was still respectable. 
Alyssa is a little hard to understand. Jinkx is a knock out. Wilmer is the real dud on the clips. He wasn’t even a judge. Why was he used? I’m so confused.

Detox gets judged first. The sombrero gets knocked for being a little too campy and she gets called out on being a little background-ish in the telenovela.

Roxxy gets props on her face and her lack of make-up. They love the look she’s got on.

Alaska gets applause for her acting job and Jamie says she could take acting notes from her.

Michelle had no idea what Alyssa said in her clip. She thought she went a little Dracula with it. Santino says that her dress is one of the worst he’s seen on that runway in 5 seasons. Harsh! I don’t think it’s THAT bad. I’m pretty sure anything Jiggly Caliente wore was much worse! Alyssa has a total meltdown. She throws herself out there and says, “I will lip sync for my life every week if I have to!” The judges all seem rather taken aback. Wow.

Jinkx is a duck with water running off her back. Michelle says that Jinkx confuses her, but in a good way. The judges all love her make up along with her acting. Maria even fakes an orgasm in applause.

Coco gets the seal of approval from Santino on the outfit. Maria calls her out for getting overly excited about Wilmer.

Roxxy is safe. Alaska is safe. Jinkx Monsoon is the winner! Yay! I knew it! She’s wins a pair of faux fur coats. She will have the perfect fur for Little Edie! Alyssa is up for elimination (well you asked for that one). It’s down to Detox and Coco. Coco is up for elimination, leaving Detox to be safe. FINALLY here it is! The showdown we’ve waited 9 episodes for. Coco vs Alyssa. I hope Alyssa wins. I hate Coco. At least this way one of them will be gone and the fighting about the crown will be over.

The song is Cold Hearted by Paula Abdul. Both queens are working it. Coco actually points to her lips at one point in the song to show that through the very fast portion she has every word down perfectly. Coco’s dress works great with the song. Each of them is killing it. This is going to be a close one. This is what a LSFYL should be like! Coco shantays to stay. Alyssa tells her congratulations. Alyssa sashays away. The feud is over. Praise the Lord! I’m so happy we don’t have to hear about it anymore, and hear the back handed comments. Alyssa goes out with class.

She also has some seriously girlie hand writing. Mine doesn’t even look like that. Does that make me a bit of a man?

We’re down to a top 5! If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else? AMEN, Ru!

Time to get Untucked! I have to say, I think we’ve seen all the scenes in the intro. Maybe one or two is left, but based on the costumes, I think we’ve seen almost all of them.

The queens come back to what looks like Absolut champagne. Interesting. In an exclusive scene we see that Ru asked the girls who should go home. I wish they would show us that kind of stuff. That’s usually where some great drama comes in. All of the girls said that Alyssa should go home. She tells them she doesn’t hold any harsh feelings against anyone. She knows she’s not been strong lately.  They all also agree that Santino’s comment about her dress was a stretch and more mean than he needed to be.

I think it’s funny that 4 of the girls are wearing red as either the main color or an accent color. Detox and Alyssa think they’re in the bottom 2. Coco says that she thinks there’s a difference in passion between Detox and Alyssa, meaning Alyssa thrives only on the competition. She isn’t as passionate when she’s not lip syncing for your life. At least I think that’s what she’s saying. It doesn’t make a lot of sense. I think she’s saying that Alyssa is here purely to compete; she’s not here to learn or to be in it for the experience.
We also hear in an exclusive clip that 4 of the girls said that Jinkx was their top competition. I wonder who Detox said, she was the only one who didn’t say her name. At least they’re realizing and admitting to Ru that they’re just scared bitches, and that’s why they lash out at her.

Peek a Ru, she sees you. She sends them to the Gold Bar to get their pink furry box. There’s a whole riddle about learning from the best. The TV comes on with someone’s face.

It’s Jessica Wild from season 2! She was one of the only Puerto Rican queens that I like. All the other ones (with an occasional exception in Yara Sophia) bugged the hell out of me. She teaches the girls on how to be a fierce telenovela queen. “I will whoop your ass!” is the clip we haven’t seen yet from the intro. Oh, I thought she was actually yelling at someone. It turns out she’s just playing along with Jessica Wild.

Back from the break and we get a breakdown of what Alyssa meant between an 18 year old orgasm and a 48 year old. She tries to give examples of it, and it’s not very good. Coco, being the old man that he is, shows her how she should’ve done it. It’s way better than Alyssa’s. Jinkx admits that she’s ugly when she cums. Oh Jinkxy.

Detox, Roxxy and Jinkx are left in the Gold Bar and Roxxy tells Detox point blank that if she’s in the bottom she better rock that shit because “if that stays, I’m gonna slap you.” The that she means is Alyssa. The girls are tired of hearing Alyssa say all the things she’s bad at, that it’s becoming a crutch for her. They all are doing things they’re not good at or comfortable with. You’re not special in that. They want to see a battle of Coco vs Alyssa.

Over in the Silver Lounge, Coco is pissed that Alyssa was told last week that she looks like a Kardashian. Why would you still be annoyed about that? The music is so dramatic, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t match the actual content. Alyssa seems to actually take offense when Coco suggests that she must be Rob Kardashian, not one of the daughters.

It looks like she’s playing with a stalk of celery, but it’s a fan. She asks the Alaska and Alyssa if they think Jinkx is America’s Next Drag Superstar, OR just America’s Next COMEDY Drag Superstar? WTF!? There is no such title. They are one and the same! GET OVER YOUR FACE MAMA! It’s not even that good. I know I gave you a compliment before, but I’m rescinding it. You’re ugly soul pollutes your face. The other girls walk in. They get brought up to speed. Alaska says there’s still a lot of competition left, and it could be any of us. Roxxy tells Jinkx that she’s coming for her next week. Roxxy is such a bitch. She says in interview that the only reason Jinkx has been winning is because it’s been all acting and comedy challenges and that America’s Next Drag Superstar needs to be able to do everything, and her glamorous, isn’t glam-or-ous. Bitch, what did you just say? She is able to do EVERYTHING that you’re not! I’m over her attitude. She seemed so sweet in the beginning. I was so wrong.

That’s all we have this week. Thanks for sticking it with me all the way to the end. I know it was a long one. But after a rough weekend, I needed some sassy drag queens to lighten my soul, and they did. I’m claiming the top 3 as Jinkx, Detox and Alaska. Those other mean girls can melt in a pool of plastic.

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